Emotional abuse causes deep scars that can take years to heal.
Being the victim of manipulation is a slippery slope of mind-bending and life-altering compromise. Perhaps compromise is not the correct word as it suggests an agreed upon course of action. However, the agreement is jaded in that you have been persuaded by someone who knows what buttons to push to coerce you into agreement. You knowingly make the decision but the facts have been skewed to lead you in a certain direction. In order to play this game, the manipulator must know you very well. This again is a double-edged sword because you will trust this person implicitly to have your best interests at heart. There are manipulators in every facet of life. Your workplace, your home, your relatives, your partner or your friends. Unfortunately by the time you figure out the length and breadth of this form of deception, the damage is deep-seated and difficult to break free of. Much like the child staying close to the abusive parent in order to achieve their badly needed affection and acceptance by that adult; the emotionally abused person tends to radiate to the abuser in the hopes of achieving that peace and emotional acceptance. Plainly said, it is the devil that you know. To take this one step further, the known environment (no matter how abusive this may be) to the abused is more comforting than the unknown elements outside of that abusive circle. The manipulative abuser senses or knows that this fear exists and they play on it. Finances; or lack thereof, the belittling nature of name calling, the withholding of affection or leading someone on by allowing them to believe something that plainly is not true are all forms of manipulation and control. The most unfortunate thing about this form of abuse is that it’s more subtle and highly dangerous as you become accustomed to it and it becomes your life. Because you live it; it becomes the norm for you to live this way. Some manipulators leave but allow you to carry on the cycle by either making you think certain things to keep you on the ropes or plainly don’t come clean with their own agendas and thoughts. This was the case in my adventures; however you can break free and move forward into a new, healthy relationship. So, if you happen to be reading this post and find yourself nodding in agreement, be assured that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be courageous, lean on your family if you have to or a good friend and remove yourself completely and totally from the situation as best that you can. Once you leave and stay away, you will find your thoughts clearing a little more each day as you sort out the garbage. Don’t take on the guilt; you were a victim of an emotional manipulator and that plain and simple my friends is emotional abuse. Take back your life, get a little help if you need it, and start living your life for YOU.
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We’re working toward a better tomorrow. Life’s unfair; protect your heart.
good post! puts things in prospective. thanks!
Iam married and recovering from a situation where my husbands friend and a friend of our family preyed upon me and emotionally manipulated me. Before I realized what was happening I came to like all the attention he gave me, I started responding to his words and started thinking negatively towards my husband. (The manipulator told me that my husband could and never would fulfill the needs that I have and deserve). After a few months the situation turned sexually abusive which further drove me down. This is the situation in a nut shell. What I’m struggling with is “Did I have an emotional affair????” or am I a victom of his manipulation. I feel like I’m to blame and need to own my responsability.
I understand how you could be confused by these events. Consider this. Perhaps the manipulations wore you down and took you to a low point in your marriage which ultimately made you susceptible to those feelings. In this case, I would think that you were manipulated into thinking that your marriage was a sham or in some way worthless. BUT, you have realized that you were manipulated, and that’s the first step of taking your life back. Take responsibility for allowing this person into your life but be careful not to “own” it because often these manipulators are so very good at what they do that the normal, trusting and perhaps naive people that we are do not catch on until it’s too late. as far as an emotional affair goes, perhaps you did however it was based on emotional and sexual abuse so don’t own that anymore. wishing you all the best in your continued healing. be kind to yourself and allow your experiences to change you in a positive way. don’t look back anymore. you are obviously a person with a good and kind conscience or you wouldn’t be questioning yourself and being so hard on yourself. if it helps, look at it as a temporary lapse of judgement that you’ve moved beyond. best wishes to you!
its hard to love someones who could never be yours again
Yes, I am just getting out of a long distance emotionally abusive relationship (if you can believe it). He did definitely string me along, as I never got to be a part of his life, although he would come and go out of mine when he felt like it. I basically begged him for almost 7 months to share his life with me, but he refused. Hiding me? Yes. Hiding something/someone else? Most certainly, I think. ? He would lead me on with things such as promises of engagement, talking about gifts he wanted to get me and planned on, trips etc. but nothing ever happened. He even went so far as to lie and say he had a ring for me, talk to my family about engagement (my dad mainly, my best friend, and mentioned it to my cousin). He did start sending me money, not to spend, but to save for “us”. Sure enough, when I mentioned missing him and wanting to come visit, which he always said I could if I paid for myself completely (not that I expected him to pay, but not to treat me like a stranger), he blew-up (bad sign), caused a huge argument, and demanded I return “his money”. Which of course, I did. I finally realized for him everything was a power play, even when he had finally admitted his faults, gave me credit and understanding, and seemed to change…it was only temporary; a power move. Love isn’t about power moves, and I refuse to live my life with someone who only thinks in terms of power and manipulation. Does he consciously think like that, I don’t know. I love myself more than that though, and deserve to be loved for who I am with mutual respect… Thanks.
I have a situation that is very complex. Not sure if I want to reveal it here but it involved errors on both sides, mine in ignorance, hers recognizing and bringing up this highly emotionally charged mistake of mine three weeks later along a slew of other allegations that were building up because of our long-distance status. Sites like these have helped as far as putting things in perspective [especially some of them when it comes to analyzing someone who has been abused sexually in the past i.e. her]. I still wonder and turn things in my head sometimes 9 months later on what it all means because I had a lot of shame to process.