Consistent Uncertainties

Never underestimate your power to heal with a kind smile or hurt with a simple word.


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Victoria’s Secret – part 2

Yet another comment from Victoria. We get  another glimpse of how deceptive the man in her life could be. I have the feeling that we still are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Again, I thank Victoria for her comments, they may help someone out there going through a similar experience.

There began the romance, we saw each other every night after work and he would stay till the wee hours of the morning.  The weekends were a different issue, he would drop by Friday evening have dinner with me and take off till Sunday evening when he would show up at dinner time again. He had a weekend job in Stratford where he was doing some type of construction job.  I cannot remember the details. Continue reading

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Can We Identify A Sociopath?

While we wait and see if Victoria lets us in on more of her big secret, why don’t we explore the terminology “sociopath”. Her hurt and pain, as hinted at by her initial comments, has changed her life immeasurably I’m sure.  Could it be that she has encountered a sociopathic individual?

Would we know one if we were to meet one in our day-to-day life? Following are characteristics which define sociopathy (this is also referred to more commonly as anti-social personality disorder) Continue reading


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The Book And Its Cover

We’ve all heard the saying; don’t judge a book by the cover. We see some one on the streets begging for money, do we judge? Some do no doubt; forgetting that this person was someone’s child, father, mother, grandparent. That this person may have had a life previous to this that was productive and good. How can we readily jump to any conclusions?….Now, let’s look at this scenario in the reverse. If we are as willing to accept the homeless person as a bad person based on visual appearances; are we as equally blind when it comes to dealing with a person who dresses well and plays the part well. I think so.

Lets take my ex for example. We lived 10 min. away from each other for 9 1/2 years, the door was always open…..yet why was this man not more involved in his child’s life? He wanted to set up the weekend visits at 3 1/2 years; unfortunately there was not a basis to build that relationship on, as all previous visits were so short and few. Continue reading


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Physical Abuse – Know The Signs and Get Out!!

Domestic abuse follows a cycle of violence:

  • Abuse – The power play of belittling or violent behavour is designed to show you “who is boss.”
  • Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, not over what he’s done but worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
  • Excuses – Your abuser will think of anything that will work for an excuse; I had too much to drink, a really bad day, etc.
  • “Normal” behavior – Your abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep you in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give you hope that your abusive partner has really changed this time.
  • Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he’ll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
  • Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

The apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes  can make it difficult to leave as he will make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you.

The cycle will continue; the dangers of staying are very real.

im_cycle


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Victoria’s Secret……

I received this comment on a post. While lengthy, I felt it was very important to feature this woman’s story. It is my hope that she will return to the blog as I think it is integral to her healing process or perhaps it is just a time for her to reflect on things. Whatever her reason, I think that it’s vital that women understand how easily we can fall prey in these situations and I thank Victoria for sharing her comments with us. I am hopeful that she returns to the blog; it sounds like she has so much to share.

I feel foolish putting this comment on a blog however I felt strongly that I should. Naive as I was with men; I was a successful, independent business woman. My relationship began on the last weekend of summer in 1992 on a hot, muggy day. This was the start of a seven year nightmare filled with romance at the beginning and quickly turning into a web of deceit, physical/mental abuse, fraud and theft. Continue reading


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What Happens When You Ignore Your Gut Instinct? – 2

These are excerpts from my relationship with my ex. Situations that when I look at them now, I shake my head and wonder how I could have been brainwashed so utterly and completely!

What Happened: My child and I moved from a Brampton basement apartment into our new house, a nice little semi-detached in Mississauga, when she was around 3 1/2 years old. Be mindful as you’re reading this that she called her father by his first name until she was around 2 1/2. He was such a doting father figure…if you are sensing sarcasm here, you are very intuitive. To move the story along, we set up our new home, definitely not fancy but homey for sure. He had been living with another woman,  this I knew. It was my understanding that this (according to him) was a bad relationship filled with arguments and stalking….again, blah, blah. A while back, he had informed me that it was over and he was moving in with his parents, visually it appeared he had done so. I cultivated a new love of gardening and together, my daughter and I  made our house a home, making close, lasting friendships with our neighbours. During this time, my ex would drop in or call, the door was always open. Never for long, 1/2 hr here, 15 minutes there. He claimed he was terribly busy at work, Continue reading


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What Happens When You Ignore Your Gut Instinct?

These are excerpts from my relationship with my ex. Situations that when I look at them now, I shake my head and wonder how I could have been brainwashed so utterly and completely!

What Happened: One day my ex called me at work and said he knew a co-worker who wanted to get a new car.  He wondered if I wanted to have that car, it was just a year old. Well, he hesitates, it has three more years on a four year lease and I would have to assume the lease. How much?, I said. He told me the lease amount. I, at the time, was driving a five year old well-maintained car. I declined the offer. (By this time we were not cohabitating, but he was promising a reconciliation….she rolls her eyes) I told him that I was enjoying the freedom of no car payments. Continue reading