Consistent Uncertainties

Never underestimate your power to heal with a kind smile or hurt with a simple word.

What Happens When You Ignore Your Gut Instinct? – 3

5 Comments

These are excerpts from my relationship with my ex. Situations that when I look at them now, I shake my head and wonder how I could have been brainwashed so utterly and completely!

What Happened:

You’ve read about the house story in What Happens When You Ignore Your Gut Instinct – 2 if you’ve been following this blog. You already know that we (my daughter and I) moved to a new house to start a new life together with my ex as per his suggestions and persuasions. We were now in a house almost twice the size as the first one. Higher mortgage payments, higher heating costs, higher property taxes…pretty much everything cost a little more than the first house. I was on the hook for everything as my name was conveniently the only one on the deed. My ex would breeze in from time to time, drop in some money from the child support (never in the full amount at a time which I could actually do something with). I know what you’re going to say, I was lucky, at least he paid. This is true, no argument. However, when you’re struggling to get out from under and the reason you’re in this predicament is the very person that you’re dependent on for the income; it is frustrating to say the least. So my daughter and I carried on, we seldom had much in the way of extras but I have raised a young lady who has a contentment in the simple things in life. That in itself is good. It is in no way a reflection of what my ex did or did not do. He simply was NOT involved in our lives in a major way in this house. I counted change to put gas in the car to get to work. We ate well due in no small part to my parents who always made sure to send along stuff for the freezer when we or they visited. I think my daughter learned to count in the grocery store when I had her help me keep track of the items going into the cart by dollar value. We always had such a tight budget that I would go in knowing exactly how much we could afford to spend, sometimes $25; sometimes more. My ex would pop in occasionally but would usually spend more time conversing with me than paying attention to his daughter; he always seemed to feel the need to control me or at least keep track of what I was doing. Periodically there would be stretches of a month before I would hear from him. The valuable time that a parent should be spending with a child. When he was there, his cell phone was often going off as he would not leave it in the car, so you can imagine the quality of time that was had. He had yet to be honest with me on where our relationship stood; by that time, finally, I had figured it out on my own. After 7 years of complete and utter bullshit! So our daily grind went; drop daughter off at in-laws, drive in traffic to work, work til 5, drive home in traffic, pick up daughter at in-laws, errands on the way home, make supper, help with homework, bath and bedtime….and of course, storytime. Sometimes just for an added bonus, I would have to spend time on the phone to get some utility re-connected ’cause I didn’t have enough money to spread around. Added bonuses were soccer nites, swimming nites, brownie nites….school trips etc. Also, this incidentally was the same period of time when my ex saddled me with a car payment again as explained in What Happens When You Ignore Your Gut Instinct. When the house was quiet was always my time for reflection, tears and mostly anger at myself for allowing this latest debaucle to happen. I never once regretted the time or effort in caring for my child. When other parents were out on the town; I knew where I needed to be or more importantly where my daughter needed me to be. That was enough for me. We carried on in this house for about a 2 years; it was a time full of financial stress.

What Really Happened:

During this time, while I was thinking my ex was working so hard at work, came a startling revelation. He had started up with a new woman; not bothering to let me off the hook by telling me. While I was struggling to put food on our table, he was putting thousands and thousands of dollars into the renovations of his new home. (In later years, we were invited over to the home. The finishes in marble and granite, room upstairs converted into a gym complete with equipment, leather furniture, expensive extras; all the bells and whistles. It made me reflect, not in a good way, to the troubled times that we had making ends meet.) He was actually beating up the other woman #1 and stealing money from her still in order to fund his home renovations. This included forging her name on cheques or breaking into her house to steal items. At one point, he picked up granite for countertops for the new house, by pretending to be an employee of a local builder – but didn’t pay them back.

At this point, I still thought I was stupid to believe anything he said….but I guess it boils down to the fact that I was raised to believe that there’s good in each and every one of us. FAT CHANCE!

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5 thoughts on “What Happens When You Ignore Your Gut Instinct? – 3

  1. That’s what makes a sociopath so dangerous … their charming ability to deceive. They play to our trust, with skill and precision … to such a level that I believe no one can comprehend unless they’ve experienced it themselves.

    I also believe the very same emotion that they do not have, is one they use against others: guilt. Example: “Honey, don’t you trust me?” So, their victim, especially a loved one, will feel badly for doubting what they say, all presented in a nicely packaged, though totally fabricated presentation just oozing with sincerity. Hence, the victim feels guilty.

    These people can be very dangerous.

    Try not to think about your events in hindsight, but consider how an intelligent person, such as yourself, are still the majority today, and will remain that way.

    “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” You are doing more than most by chronicaling your nightmare here, thus providing a warning to others, as I am. But I can’t avoid the reality that those who would benefit the most will remain unbelievers until the train hits them.

    You’re doing what you can, and that is good. I’m sure your efforts have helped those who saw the water, and drank.

    :: Sent from an iPhonie (errors are more likely) ::

  2. Don’t beat yourself up, you just had the misfortune of being in love with a creep, as they say love is blind.

  3. larry you r so right! my ex husband just got re-married last year. he did a lot of bad things to ppl along the way but he always kept his important ppl on his side by giving them all kinds of freebies (buying their loyalties) and of course because they’ve been bribed so nicely they will back him up to the bitter end! so his schemes always kept us broke when we were married; now he’s scammed tons of ppl out of money with his new business. The poor girl he married still doesn’t have a clue; he started seeing someone else b4 he gave her an engagement ring and it’s still going on. I tried to talk to her; but i’m just someone who is “bitter because he left me” according to her. I guess I tried at least, better than those ppl who just sit around and watch it happen.

    • >> “bitter because he left me”

      The ignorant truth, isn’t it.

      People will only believe what they want to believe. They’ll *ignore* truth even when it’s handed to them.

      That’s why they’re *ignorant*.

      And, thank you. 😉

  4. Hopefully through these blogs, we can educate and help make sure more lives are not messed up like ours were.

    The Myth that only the “bitter” cause trouble and spread vicious lies will be a thing of the past and people will start accepting that we do not want others to suffer our fate.

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