Consistent Uncertainties

Never underestimate your power to heal with a kind smile or hurt with a simple word.

A Dance With The Devil


In my quest for knowledge and research on domestic violence, I came across references to a book appropriately called “A Dance With The Devil”. It was written by a woman by the name of Barbara Bentley and tells of her struggle with a former abusive husband and her hard-fought survival and recovery. It immediately struck a chord with me and I thought I would share an excerpt from her book to demonstrate. Perhaps you will not be as dumb-struck as I was; perhaps you will.  I will tell you that some of the points that she made had me riveted in horror and familiarity. Following is a passage taken from her book:

“Looking back now, it seems unbelievable that I would have stayed in this marriage for so long, especially with a repeating pattern that is easy to recognize now, but that was indiscernible at the time. You had to be there. John was a psychopath-a master manipulator who made it seem reasonable and plausible at the time the abuse happened, and he abused when no one else was around to be able to validate my feelings. If I had told others, they wouldn’t have believed me anyway. He was too charming. He was the life of the party who went out of his way to help others.

During this time, verbal abuse wasn’t even discussed as domestic violence, and because I wasn’t physically beaten, I didn’t think I was a victim of domestic violence. Most important, the emotional trauma was not constant. It came in spurts. Most of the time we had a happy existence that appeared normal, integrated with a close-knit social support system of family, friends and co-workers I don’t feel embarrassed by my vulnerability at that time of my life. I now know that I stood no chance against John. Psychopaths are so clever that they can even disarm mental health professionals, who are trained to recognize and deal with their behaviour.”

I would recommend this book to anyone who has known abuse personally or knows someone that might be in a relationship that they suspect is abusive.

In my own journey with my ex; I have lived this life …….. as have others that have unwittingly been trapped in his path. Those few that have readily admitted and realized the depth of his atrocities are the only ones still not ensconced in his unflinching dramas. As part of the process, we need to cast the blame not to ourselves, but to the perpetrator himself. To recognize that despite the fact that we believed…..and we did believe….and yes, we hoped too….that we in no way deserved or earned the punishment that this man delivered.  The only thing we are guilty of is trusting and hoping for the good in this individual. It is he who is at fault wholly and completely; not one of his victims including myself and my daughter deserved any of what was inflicted on us.

Coming soon!

Working towards a better future!


6 thoughts on “A Dance With The Devil

  1. It is amazing how many of these men are out there!!

  2. Thanks for the kind review of my book. I wrote it to help others and my work has been validated by the emails I receive from women who now know they are not crazy.

    • thank-you for your tweet on twitter and for visiting the blog 🙂 I appreciate your comments and respect you as a fellow “former” victim. I say former because we have not only survived but become stronger and wiser. This blog has been a healing for me; not unlike your quest to introduce new laws and take part in seminars, etc. While it no doubt will positively impact fewer people than you have in your lifetime; my hope is that it will help a handful (at least)…..Cheers to you and your accomplishments Barbara! Your book was a revelation to me and others I’m sure.

  3. Very very good website you have here – as a fellow survivor I can recognise many of the things you are writing about and find myself nodding along in agreement at the accuracy of what you are describing. It is unbelievable how many people ‘outside’ think these creeps are charming and the best thing since sliced bread – it’s so unjust that WE end up looking like the crazy ones for wanting nothing more to do with them or their next victim. I am writing for myself about what happened – it is a slow process as it often makes me feel sick to look at the exploitation and abuse that happened under everyone’s nose and how brainwashed and empty I became. The road to recovery is long and tough.
    Many thanks for your blog – keep going with it 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s