Consistent Uncertainties

Never underestimate your power to heal with a kind smile or hurt with a simple word.

Exploring The Truth

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If there is one thing that I know absolutely and completely is that knowing the truth affords you the ability to rationalize and deal with conflicting situations. If I didn’t believe it then; I most certainly believe it now.  In the years since, I have still been plagued by the thoughts knocking around in my head. When you hear day in and day out that you’re nuts; no matter how rational you are or how justified you feel, you begin to question and second-guess yourself and your decisions. It’s a form of crazy-making. The ability to create and manipulate a situation by telling the other person questioning it that they are in fact crazy for even suggesting that they might be fabricating a story. Welcome to my life! At each turn, at each new development that I questioned; I would get a response that would in fact make me question my judgement. It’s very difficult to isolate instances for you as a reader; as they happen in a series of events over a long period of time and as thus do not translate well when one goes to put down on paper. Explanations on absences from family get-togethers, no-show performances at children’s school plays or sporting games…they all turn into one big mess that make it hard to explain to an outsider and in fact when you do try to explain to someone just what you’re feeling, those same thoughts seem to take on another further form of crazy-making. Because in a nut-shell, it’s impossible to dissect and dissemble all the lies and fabrications and create a flow of thought whereby someone outside of the situation can understand. So, in fact, you do feel crazy and invalidated once again. So after numerous years, still plagued by the ghosts of verbal abuse past, I set out on a renewed quest for the truth. Renewed and reinforced by the fact that I wanted once and for all leave the demons of the past in the past where they belong; I have made it my mission to find out all I can about my ex and his exploits in the past. It can be said that there’s no point to re-hashing past events or reliving painful experiences. Sometimes things in the past are better left where they belong – in the past. I disagree. To finish healing I needed to find the answers to the lies once and for all. This is my quest. If it sounds like I’m angry; I guess maybe I still am to some degree. After all, this man robbed precious years from my life with his lies; caused immeasurable damage to my daughter. Yes, I’m angry and rightfully so. Perhaps getting the answers to validate my lingering doubts and questions will in turn help me to arrive at the point where I can put these past indiscretions and painful memories in a place where they belong.  Where I can no longer be held in their shadow. Freedom is knowledge. From knowledge comes power.

Coming soon!

Working toward a better future!


One thought on “Exploring The Truth

  1. Good post…thanks for sharing.

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