Consistent Uncertainties

Never underestimate your power to heal with a kind smile or hurt with a simple word.

Excuses and Explanations

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One of the hardest things to let go of for me was the feeling of failure that I had over the failure of my marriage. True it was not my fault that my ex had a sociopathic lifestyle; however I would often re-visit how I could have done things differently. As a teen was I too innocent and was my self-esteem so low that I couldn’t see the writing on the wall with my relationship to him? Or was it simply the case that I loved too much and too blindly? When I look back now almost 30 years later, I think it was probably a combination of a lot of different factors. The fact that my life collided with a different culture was probably a large reason that I could be blind-sided. It was a convenient truth that I was always told. “You don’t understand; this is the way we do things” or “you couldn’t possibly understand” were common answers to my questions. So, on many different occasions, I was offered this explanation. What do we do when we hear the same answer repeatedly? We become conditioned to it. This becomes the new accepted norm. Whenever I didn’t understand something, I learned to justify it in my mind as a different, not bad, way of dealing with situations. Not only that, I learned to follow blindly with that as the explanation. Trust is allright as long as it’s placed in the right individual. But I totally relinquished my heart and emotions to this sociopath unwittingly. Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay to learn different cultural practices, but when it clouds your judgement and your ability to define right from wrong; that’s when the problems arise. I keep coming back to the fact that on numerous occasions when my gut was telling me one thing and the circumstances were leading me in another direction; I blindly followed where the circumstances led me. If I had followed my gut instincts my life would have taken a decidedly different turn. Where that would have led me; no one, especially not me will ever know. Perhaps I could have spared myself the 30 years of bullshit with my ex. Maybe not. Possibly I would have had the same train-wreck of a marriage with someone else. One thing is for sure. The growing process has been immeasurable….for that I am thankful; for it puts me in a better place at this point in my life. Maybe I had to go through this to truly appreciate what direction my life has taken now…..who knows? That’s my best guess though. To live your life in a less than desirable environment, in a vortex of pain; makes you thankful everyday when you have moved on to better things.

coming soon!

working toward a better future!


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