Consistent Uncertainties

Never underestimate your power to heal with a kind smile or hurt with a simple word.

Finding Answers

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I found in this process of dealing with the woes of the past that I kept coming up against the same old mental blocks. If you’ve been following the blog, you will know that my ex was rather fond of not giving straight answers and in many instances telling almost total fabrications with just enough truth to keep you guessing. Maybe the proper word is second-guessing. That was an ongoing pattern for almost the entire time I knew this man and still would be today had I not taken matters into my own hands. The toughest thing is to get past the hope that you’ve been fed over the years. To say that I had a difficult time believing that this person who I knew from highschool and thru the years was capable of the things that I suspected would be an understatement. Always believing in the best in people is not a bad trait; in fact, I was tought from a toddler to be kind and treat others as I would like to be treated. So, here I am, almost thirty years later still clinging onto the hope that this man will turn out to be a good role model for his daughter and that we might be able to mutually watch and share as she went through her life both with our respective spouses. Boy, was I ever off the mark. If  I had not taken the proverbial bull by the horns I would still be playing the waiting game in virtual limbo. So, what did I do? Last year, a need I had been denying myself came charging at me. I couldn’t sleep, I was consumed by the need, not the desire, but the need to know the answers. One night around 2AM,as I was lying in bed, I started to write a letter in my mind. The letter would be addressed to someone else who might hold the key to the missing links that I could not resolve. Once I decided, it took me about 2 minutes from sitting in front of the computer to sealing the envelope. It felt right; but it was still scary. I’m not sure which incident triggered this final epiphany to contact this individual; there have been so many instances in my associations with my ex that I can’t even remember most of them. So that milestone completeted, I went to bed and slept more soundly than I had in weeks. The letter, if you haven’t guessed, was to the other woman in the relationship. Whatever possessed me, I cannot tell you, only the need to resolve and know the truth once and for all was paralyzing. I always had an inkling that this other relationship, like mine with him, was not filled with roses and sunshine. I felt sure that this woman and I held the secret for each other to finally and completely put this to rest. It has opened the doors to a brand new, albeit kind of weird, kinship that we share. It’s a friendship that has taken the place of the ruins that this man left us in. It’s good and it’s right. It is the final step in our mutual healing and forgiveness.

coming soon

working toward a better future!


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