The most common question either spoken or implied is “Life is good for you now, why would you look to the past now after all this time?” Funny thing about that is that my life is most certainly good now. Thankfully. I have no desire to go back physically in time and re-live this. However, for the sake of putting this old demon to rest, I will. All the while, in my mind, I have a vision of my daughter, watching me and how I deal with the things that have happened in hers and my life. I wonder how much of that she has carried with her into her later years. I would suspect a lot. Children learn their ways of handling things by the examples that they’re taught. If I can teach her to be a stronger, wiser person; then I will teach her by example.
Being a nature lover, I often make comparisons to nature when I’m trying to describe the process. You life is a forest. Right now I’m sitting in a sunny cove but behind me I see a darker, deeper part of the forest that I’ve just run from. But I’ve left something important back there and I need to go back and get it.. (this would be likened to self-esteem or self-worth). Envision yourself walking back through toward that place in the forest. as you are stepping across the compost of leaves, you are aware that the ground is cushy and gives underneath your feet. As you are walking, you start poking at the ground with a twig (testing the emotional waters), you realize that there are layers and layers beneath the top layer of beautiful newly fallen leaves. As you dig deeper, the leaves are rancid and rotting because they’ve been left buried below the surface without air or sunlight to properly compost them. This is a simile to a life whereby the past is so ugly and horrible that you don’t want to poke at it with a stick for fear of releasing that rot and that decay. But here’s the stickler, if you don’t you can’t deal. The thing about this forest is that you always know that this is below the surface. You can walk along your path in life trying to forget it but still knowing this and feeling this below your feet. You are conscious of it and you are aware; it becomes a part of your life whether you opening embrace it or whether you avoid it. The thing about embracing or at the very least acknowledging it – is the knowledge and freedom that you gain from poking those leaves and scratching the surface. The things that are good in your life suddenly take on a clarity and a brilliance. They become a powerful catalyst that keeps you safely ensconsced while you find what you’ve lost. This is what carries you on your trek to the dark side. this is what brings you back to centre while you explore your psyche and the trauma it has felt in the past. This is right; however hard, however painful. It is, afterall a journey that one must take part in, in order not to be held captive by the painful journeys of the past. The luxury of having a stable and trustworthy spouse now, gives me comfort and allows me the supoort to explore these darker regions of the forest. Thanks B! You’re the best; I know that no matter what, you have my back on this crazy adventure we call life. 🙂