Consistent Uncertainties

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Ashley Madison Promises “Sex or Get Your Money Back”

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It appears that Noel Biderman is trying to save the flailing image of Ashley Madison once again. He’s failed to have the Toronto Transit Commission put the Ashley Madison  logo along the entire fleet of buses. He’s failed at the putting ads on the Super Bowl games. He’s long been accused of having fake women responding to the men on the site. The site charges for men, but the women get a “free ride” in order to have actual women on the site.

But to his credit, this sleaze-ball is persistent.

While in Australia, renewing his wedding vows (imagine that!!), he was quick to say this to the Herald Sun. ” I think people sometimes mistakenly assume that Ashley Madison is just an online brothel.” LOL. gee I wonder where he got that notion?

So provided you are within the guidelines proposed on the site’s “Affair Guarantee Program” and you don’t get the sex that the site promises, you are fully entitled to get your money back…all $249 dollars of it. But there’s a catch or two. Here are the sleazy online brothel’s…er…i mean, Ashley Madison’s guidelines provided on the site.

Affair Guarantee Program Rules
  • Under the AshleyMadison.com Affair Guarantee Program, (the “Affair Guarantee Program” or the “Program”) if you don’t find someone within the initial 3 months after purchasing the “Affair Guarantee” Membership Package, we’ll refund you $249, being the amount you paid for participating in the Program (the “Refund”). (wow, what a deal! imagine all the people flocking to Ashley Madison to get in on this value-added guarantee!)
  • The Guarantee Program is available for a limited time only, and open to anyone. Additionally, to be eligible for the Program and the Refund, you must:
    1. Comply at all times with the AshleyMadison.com Terms of Use. By using the AshleyMadison.com website and participating in the Program, you agree to be bound by AshleyMadison.com  (more corporate nonsense; what does this mean exactly. If I cheat and get caught does Ashley Madison take the 5th ammendment?)
    2. Pay in full the applicable rate for the “Affair Guarantee” Membership Package which consists of 1000 credits. (just fork over your credit card…trust us, we’re honest people. Don’t let the fact that we help others lie and cheat deter you.)
    3. Use your “Affair Guarantee” Membership Package to create a profile with a primary photo (public or private). Your profile and primary photo must be approved by AshleyMadison.com within the first 30 days of purchasing your “Affair Guarantee” Membership Package in order for you to be eligible for the Program. (sounds like corporate gobble-dee-gook to me)
    4. Keep your profile visible at all times during the first 3 months of purchasing your “Affair Guarantee” Membership Package. (does this mean you have to be online all day, every day?)
    5. Send “Qualifying” priority mail messages to at least 18 different AshleyMadison.com members each month. A “Qualifying Mail Message” must be a priority mail message you send to a unique AshleyMadison.com member who has not yet messaged you or a priority mail message response you send to a unique AshleyMadison.com member who has messaged you. A “Qualifying Mail Message” must be a priority mail message sent through the AshleyMadison.com service and does not include any other method of communicating (such as AshleyMadison.com winks or emails sent outside of the AshleyMadison.com system). (of course, because they charge extra credits (or money – again, fork over that credit card) for these services . at least for the men they do. the women are free because they can’t get women on the site)
    6. Send at least 5 AshleyGifts per month. (awwww, gee isn’t that cute – does that include the nude pics from all the horny people on the site, or is that the free case of STD’s – the gift that keeps on giving….just askin’)
    7. Instant message with members for at least 60 minutes per month through the AshleyMadison.com service. (sorry you’re out of credits….credit card please?)
    8. Adhere to all the steps set out in the Affair Guarantee Program. (hmmm. more legalize so they don’t have to refund your money after all!)
  • Please see the Affair Guarantee FAQ for further information. You may also contact Customer Care at 1-866-370-7011 with any questions related to the Affair Guarantee Program. AshleyMadison.com alone will make all decisions under these Program rules regarding Program policies, including but not limited to Program and Guarantee eligibility.
  • If, after 3 months of purchasing your Affair Guarantee Membership Package you are eligible for the $249 refund please fill out the “Affair Guarantee Refund Application”. AshleyMadison.com takes considerable interest in the user’s experience with the website and accordingly, you must follow all requirements to obtain the refund. Requests must be made within the earlier of 30 days of Program expiration or 120 days of your purchase of credits under the Program. (gosh that’s a lot of winks and emails!)
  • The AshleyMadison.com Terms of Use and the Affair Guarantee Program Rules are subject to change by AshleyMadison.com at any time, effective upon posting on the AshleyMadison.com website, and your use of the AshleyMadison.com service and your initial or continued participation in the Affair Guarantee Program after such posting will constitute acceptance by you of such changes. AshleyMadison.com reserves all rights to modify, suspend or cancel the Program at any time and without notice. (of course they do. imagine that)

Well if you managed to sift through all that AshMad garbage, then you’ve probably came up with the same answer as me. The bottom line is that there is no guarantee in the Affair Guarantee Program. Who has that much time? Too bad Noel Biderman gets so much press. Well it’s like anything else on the web…the sleazy sensationalistic views get much more press. Without bad press, Noel Biderman’s Ashley Madison would simply be…an online brothel. Imagine that.

Biderman sums it up by saying that unhappily married people should never forget that Ashley Madison is not some online sleazy hook-up joint, it’s a classy hook-up joing. Sure…..and pigs fly in your world too don’t they Noel?

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