Hello friends, it’s been quite some time since i wrote something a little more personal. Sometimes, it’s easier to write about others and their troubles and remove yourself from the spotlight to regroup. Maybe you won’t want to read, maybe you will. Maybe it’ll mean something to you or maybe it’ll just be the ramblings of some stranger. I happened across this saying on a facebook friend’s status and found myself (internally) pumping fist in the air and shrieking at the top of my lungs (again internally) the words “DAMN STRAIGHT!!” in reaction to the “I Choose” spiel that i had just read. But then, i began to think to myself that there was some sort of cosmic pull or some time shift (sorry, admitted trekkie fan over here) holding me back. Realizing that it was my inner self ruining my “AHA” moment, i felt myself getting superbly pissed of at my overzealous psyche horning in on all those warm and fuzzy feelings. But then, like a punch in the gut, I realized that it was right. Right in thinking that I hadn’t always lived by this credo; it was merely something that i was raised with, strayed from and have since returned.
Allow me to explain, the choice to choose is always there – whether you choose good or bad, smart or dumbass. it’s always right there staring you down. Kind of like your dog or cat does when you won’t share the popcorn on family movie night. Right there, manson-lamps and all, begging for you to make that choice. But all too often, we’re busy or self-indulgent or whatever the fashionable excuse of the day is. And we don’t see the proverbial writing on the wall.
The choices i’ve made have been mine, I’ll concede to that. This concession is not one made lightly or easily having lived under the thumb of a highly narcissistic man with sociopathic tendencies. All of life is about them…they just let you think that you’ve the cause of all of their woes. So even though my choices haven’t always been the right ones for me, they’re mine. DAMNIT! They are what they are and no amount of time or energy is going to make them un-done.
So back to these choices, those magnificent choices that we all make. I choose to live by choice, not by chance. Yeah, ok. What the hell’s that supposed to mean i don’t play the lottery?? Nope! I CHOOSE to play the lottery. LOL. Seriously though, when you’re living by chance instead of choice you’re always waiting for that next opportunity or that next lucky break. Honestly when does that actually happen in real life folks. From where i’m sitting now, the best opportunities in life are the ones that you make happen – again by the choices you make. Period. End of story. But it wasn’t always that way for me. Imagine a life of living paycheck to paycheck (i know you’re with me on that one) but then add to that reckless and frivolous spending by a spouse who truly believes that he is entitled regardless of who he steps on or crawls over to get it. So, this whole living by choice and not by chance….hey i get it already!! No needs to beat me over the head with it.
To make changes, not excuses – There was a time i lived under the cloud of the excuse… the blame for all that wasn’t good in the life and times with the ex. Living under the weight of knowing that in your partner’s eyes – you just aren’t good enough. Took me a long time to figure out that this was his problem, not mine. However much pleasure and excuse he derived from letting me believe that the fault lay entirely with me. So as far as excuses go, I’ve had way more than my share. So long, bye-bye. Reality and conscious change may be harder but in the long run, it beats the hell outta being a door mat.
to be motivated, not manipulated – motivation vs manipulation (manipulation made several game winning passes while motivation kind of just went out the window) Any motivation was quickly squashed. It wasn’t just squashed when i think back…it was pummelled, kicked and manipulated into acquiescence. Enough on that. Yeah OK I lived that life. Lived it AND bought the friggin’ tee-shirt. Would you like to have it; cause i’m done with it!!
to be useful, not used – Hind sight being what it is, 20/20 on this one. Only thing is that sometimes you just don’t get it. You don’t understand until the bitter end . The time when you’re cleaning up the debris of a love gone horribly wrong and you stumble into knowing. It’s like a bright light going on, so bright your eyes hurt. All of a sudden all the little innuendoes or the nagging feelings of the past come into complete clarity. The glare’s harsh and it hurts, unquestionably. Being used is dead and buried along with the past, in it’s place is a new, slightly tarnished goal to be useful.
to excel, not compete – Nothing wrong with striving for excellence and a little healthy competition never hurt anyone! But damn it hurts when you live in the shadow of someone who must always be best. Always needing to be in the spotlight. Never wrong. And then you start to feel yourself disappearing and you just want and hope to keep it all together. Again, my choice to stay and suffer. Wrong choice …but mine. By the way, i have the tee-shirt for this one too, just sayin’.
I choose self-esteem, not self-pity – Boy that’s a whopper for me! Never a great one in the self-esteem department, guess you can make an educated decision on which one of these won out! Never for a long time and never when it really counted, but it was definitely not my prouder moments that succumbed to this waste of energy. Self-pity, when in the dictionary, must have a photo of my ex plunked right beside it. To hear him talk, everybody is at blame for all the things wrong with his life. He’s like a calendar for all occasions; he’s got someone he blames for his financial woes, someone for his heartaches, and so on and so forth. The thing about dealing with a sociopath is that they have they’re life scripted out. It’s what we normal folk would call a mantra. Someone like that knows it inside and out. it’s rehearsed, scripted and ready for curtain call at the drop of a hand. So i guess i learned self-pity from the best of them. Exit stage left. I’m leaving the pity party to the party-pooper!!
I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinion of others. i guess i’ve come full circle in my life. Listening to my inner voice is a learned trait; i’ve had to work on that one. Long listening to the unspoken or spoken word of a person using you as a stepping stone has made me truly aware that this requires a LOT of work. No shortage of time and patience either. It’s not like you can drive up to the drive-thru window and order a cup of self-esteem. (no, i’ll pass on the fries, thanks). As for the random blatherings of a bitter ex who’s been found out for what he actually is? Well I haven’t got a whole lot of time or patience for that one. Not anymore, not ever. Funny thing is that running into him on rare occasions, he looks at me smugly as if i’m the dirt below his feet. But honestly, it doesn’t trouble me like it used to. I’ve seen firsthand that when you throw dirt at someone you lose ground. Funny expression, but I’ve been a witness to it and i’ve been the recipient of it. Despite the leering and snotty looks i receive, there isn’t a more pitiable person on the planet. I mean seriously! Get over your own self!
In retrospect, I’ve found it’s much better to be an active participant in your life rather than a blockbuster extra. It’s also easier to be pro-active than constantly putting out the damn fires that an irresponsible ex might think very little of starting. It’s a wicked process and it whittles down all the things that I’ve struggled to get back to in my life. All in all, guess if was a lesson learned. Albeit a hard one that’s taken it’s toll; but provided a valuable lesson. Yes, I’m embracing my choices, good or bad or indifferent. They’ve made me who i am today. Guess i’ll suck it up and get on with this business of life. End of rant.