Years and tears later, I’ve come to realize that no matter how much i’ve worked to leave the lies of the past behind; it’s still there. It’s insidious and dark and it becomes an integral part of who you are and how you cope in the future.
It follows you as you enter into new relationships, as you raise your children, how you interact with others daily. it seeps into the cracks of your self-concious and the pores of your self-esteem and lies there in waiting. You find yourself wondering and doubting those who are close to you that you never had occasion to doubt before. Unfortunately it can become crippling and cause you room to doubt your objectives and choices. As the years pass, you become less aware of it and how it affects you still. But the pain still resides there; waiting for the next crises to rear its ugly head. The only hope of beating it, is to always remain aware of it and how it can affect you and those closest to you.
If people realized how much lies hurt and debilitate a relationship; do you think it would change things? Or is it simply that it’s (or you are) less important and takes a back-seat to their goals and hopes and dreams. Little white lies, as small as they are, whittle away. But what i’m talking about are the whoppers, the life-changers! The lies that rock your foundation in such a way that it takes away a hunk of what you determined was part of life and reality. The kind of shaking and damage that sends after-shocks for years to come. I’m grateful that i’m now at a point where the after-shocks are fewer and fewer; but still. It takes away my breath when I realize just how close that I was to sacrificing the life that has become so dear to me because of a person who didn’t believe that I was worthy of the truth. For those of you going thru this right now, I can tell you that it WILL get better, just not right away. Hold close to that which is precious for that will help you weather the repeated after-shocks. Take ONE day at a time; for past that, there are no guarantees. Tomorrow IS a bright, new day; and with it brings the hope and possibility that there is something out there that just might be better than what you’re dealing with today if only you can just HANG ON!
When I say it won’t come overnight or the next day, I’m as serious as a heart attack. For me personally, it took 10 years of lies and manipulation to tell myself that I was WORTHY of something better that what I was a part of. That my daughter was WORTHY of a better life that one with a father who allowed her needs and desires to take a back seat to his own. Actually, in hindsight, being as emotionally crippled by my circumstances, it was very likely due to the fact that I knew my daughter was so badly affected by this, that I knew a change needed to happen. I had to take the steps to make a change in my life. And that my friends, is the power of EMPOWERMENT. Take the choices that you feel deep inside you are the right ones. Not the passing whims or the fanciful grabs. The deeply speculated upon options that keep presenting themselves both in your subconscious and your waking moments for these are become your Life-Changers. Leave behind the tatters of what you previously thought were a reality and grab onto the bright future! This will become both your salvation and your new-improved reality.
The darkness from the damaged is still there; but gratefully the light takes over casting doubt on where my doubts resided for so long.