Consistent Uncertainties

Never underestimate your power to heal with a kind smile or hurt with a simple word.


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The Puppeteer And His Posse

Abuse is kind of like a puppet held in place by a string. Your puppeteer has a firm hand, a voice that projects itself into your mind and then there’s the game-playing that can literally make you dance to  their song. If the puppeteer is really good, you don’t even notice the strings. It’s all an act. One that you’re caught up in. The strings keep you tied to the hope of what was once what you believed your reality was. The sad reality is that broken strings would be in a sense, a reprieve, but you can’t move your hands to untie the knots. You’re caught up in a vicious circle of mental flip-flopping. Where will I go? What will I do? How will I manage?

There’s a kind of “black and white” value that is present when there’s physical, financial and sexual abuse.  There’s a trail. Whether it’s a paper trail or a physical sign; they leave their indelible mark. It’s a much clearer picture. It’s much harder to define, evaluate and get validation for the abuses caused by manipulation, lies, and deceit. In small doses, you’d probably have a difficult time identifying these factors as abuse or chalking them up to life’s ups and downs with a spouse. It would be just a transition in most cases. Brought on by difficult times or stressors.

When the isolated experiences are cemented in place by years; they develop into a pattern.  A repeat offender, so to speak. Continue reading

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Peering Over The Edge

This thing called empathy is my “dark passenger” to quote “Dexter”. It lies in wait.

I often get msg’d with other people’s thoughts and life stories. And while glad to be someone that can share with others, sometimes it gets heavy. It takes me back. No matter how hard I dig my heels in; it always takes me back into the darkness and holds me there until I’m able to get my footing once again. Never take this as a disparaging note, for without my empathy, I think that my life would be shallow and meaningless in some regard.

This is not a complaint, just an observation of my own self and psyche. When this occurs, it becomes a battle within, one that I often have to step back from to see from an objective point of view. But these sad and despicable things that people do to another person make me physically sick. Emotionally tied up in knots…again. I feel the need to step away from it for a while so I can get my head around it and my foothold again. I’m not complaining; sometimes the need is too great and the problems too grievous to swallow whole. A little space and time is needed. My little meanderings on this blog are just my coping mechanism trying to get my head around stuff. Hopefully the blog can be something that somebody can use to grab hold of and pull themselves up. Something whereby they can find some light of compassion and possibly a glimmer of hope that they can use.

This blog has become my vehicle for the “dark passenger” of my own and hopefully it can be meaningful to others. While the subject matter is heavy and often dark; there is a place for it. Unfortunately. The words are often hard to read and the subject matter is easier to turn a deaf ear and blind eye to. But it’s important to know that abuses and manipulations or whatever darkness you are trying to conquer are all too common. Continue reading


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Embracing Choice

Hello friends, it’s been quite some time since i wrote something a little more personal. Sometimes, it’s easier to write about others and their troubles and remove yourself from the spotlight to regroup. Maybe you won’t want to read, maybe you will. Maybe it’ll mean something to you or maybe it’ll just be the ramblings of some stranger. I happened across this saying on a facebook friend’s status and found myself (internally) pumping fist in the air and shrieking at the top of my lungs (again internally) the words “DAMN STRAIGHT!!” in reaction to the “I Choose” spiel that i had just read. But then, i began to think to myself that there was some sort of cosmic pull or some time shift (sorry, admitted trekkie fan over here) holding me back. Realizing that it was my inner self ruining my “AHA” moment, i felt myself getting superbly pissed of at my overzealous psyche horning in on all those warm and fuzzy feelings. But then, like a punch in the gut, Continue reading


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Toronto woman sues Rogers after her affair is exposed – thestar.com

Toronto woman sues Rogers after her affair is exposed – thestar.com.


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The Exploits and Misadventures of Onion Boy-5

The layers of deception run deep.

Random snippets of real life drama with an ex-husband who lived to lie and cheat and cover his tracks and situations where he financially, emotionally and physically abused. As in many things in life, the truth was buried…buried deep within the layers of the infamous cheater who we will call Onion Boy (O.B. for short). We will strip away the layers for all to see the loser is not the victim but the man who believes he can lie so well that he will never be caught…

Enter New Year’s eve 2000, the new millenium, our new start…or so I’d been led to believe. Continue reading


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The Exploits and Misadventures of Onion Boy-4

The layers of deception run deep.

Random snippets of real life drama with an ex-husband who lived to lie and cheat and cover his tracks and situations where he financially, emotionally and physically abused. As in many things in life, the truth was buried…buried deep within the layers of the infamous cheater who we will call Onion Boy (O.B. for short). We will strip away the layers for all to see the loser is not the victim but the man who believes he can lie so well that he will never be caught…

This saga picks up where #3 left off, end of November ’99. Continue reading


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The Exploits and Misadventures of Onion Boy-3

The layers of deception run deep.

Random snippets of real life drama with an ex-husband who lived to lie and cheat and cover his tracks and situations where he financially, emotionally and physically abused. As in many things in life, the truth was buried…buried deep within the layers of the infamous cheater who we will call Onion Boy (O.B. for short). We will strip away the layers for all to see the loser is not the victim but the man who believes he can lie so well that he will never be caught…

This installment of the O.B. saga took place in late November/early December 1999. Continue reading