Consistent Uncertainties

Never underestimate your power to heal with a kind smile or hurt with a simple word.


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The Puppeteer And His Posse

Abuse is kind of like a puppet held in place by a string. Your puppeteer has a firm hand, a voice that projects itself into your mind and then there’s the game-playing that can literally make you dance to  their song. If the puppeteer is really good, you don’t even notice the strings. It’s all an act. One that you’re caught up in. The strings keep you tied to the hope of what was once what you believed your reality was. The sad reality is that broken strings would be in a sense, a reprieve, but you can’t move your hands to untie the knots. You’re caught up in a vicious circle of mental flip-flopping. Where will I go? What will I do? How will I manage?

There’s a kind of “black and white” value that is present when there’s physical, financial and sexual abuse.  There’s a trail. Whether it’s a paper trail or a physical sign; they leave their indelible mark. It’s a much clearer picture. It’s much harder to define, evaluate and get validation for the abuses caused by manipulation, lies, and deceit. In small doses, you’d probably have a difficult time identifying these factors as abuse or chalking them up to life’s ups and downs with a spouse. It would be just a transition in most cases. Brought on by difficult times or stressors.

When the isolated experiences are cemented in place by years; they develop into a pattern.  A repeat offender, so to speak. Continue reading

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Stewed Onions

Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. – Carl Sandburg

Onions. They seem pretty harmless. Lots can be said about these little guys. I love symbolism and imagery, in case that one happened to slip by you. The life I shared with a sociopath reminded me so much of the characteristics of an onion that I named several posts with that in mind. If you haven’t taken the time to read “The Exploits and Misadventures of Onion Boy” series on this blog, then feel free to do so. It’s hard to follow and out of sequence. But admittedly the jumbled mess that was my life has left me scrambling to seek answers. I guess in part that’s the reason for the chaos in the numbering of the sequences. Some day, I’ll re-write them and put them in order, but for now hopefully it’ll be ok.

But back to the onions and how they relate to life. It’s ironic Continue reading


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If Only Pinocchio Were Real

Wouldn’t it be easier if every time someone lied their nose grew? Wishful thinking I know, but I can’t help but think how much simpler life would be in many instances AND how much less heartache and manipulation would be part of many peoples lives.

Really think about it for a second or two…how much long-term suffering and misunderstandings are a part of life and love. If you knew the score out of the gate?? I can’t help thinking that a little bit of truth in lieu of all that Continue reading


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Relinquishing Control

My posts and the comments of the last few days have got me thinking again as they often do.

Apologies to you all. Fasten your seat belts and put your helmets on, you’re about to be audience to my ramblings once again.

I went back into the days and times, which I don’t like to do, but I feel I must for the sake of this blog and for information’s sake. Always having been a thinker, it’s not surprising I guess. Oh, I just don’t think though, I ponder and then when you think that a matter couldn’t be pondered anymore, then I turn it over again and look at it from another vantage point. I’m a little bit nutty that way. So suffice it to say, that when a decision needs to be made or a thought needs to be voiced Continue reading


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Peering Over The Edge

This thing called empathy is my “dark passenger” to quote “Dexter”. It lies in wait.

I often get msg’d with other people’s thoughts and life stories. And while glad to be someone that can share with others, sometimes it gets heavy. It takes me back. No matter how hard I dig my heels in; it always takes me back into the darkness and holds me there until I’m able to get my footing once again. Never take this as a disparaging note, for without my empathy, I think that my life would be shallow and meaningless in some regard.

This is not a complaint, just an observation of my own self and psyche. When this occurs, it becomes a battle within, one that I often have to step back from to see from an objective point of view. But these sad and despicable things that people do to another person make me physically sick. Emotionally tied up in knots…again. I feel the need to step away from it for a while so I can get my head around it and my foothold again. I’m not complaining; sometimes the need is too great and the problems too grievous to swallow whole. A little space and time is needed. My little meanderings on this blog are just my coping mechanism trying to get my head around stuff. Hopefully the blog can be something that somebody can use to grab hold of and pull themselves up. Something whereby they can find some light of compassion and possibly a glimmer of hope that they can use.

This blog has become my vehicle for the “dark passenger” of my own and hopefully it can be meaningful to others. While the subject matter is heavy and often dark; there is a place for it. Unfortunately. The words are often hard to read and the subject matter is easier to turn a deaf ear and blind eye to. But it’s important to know that abuses and manipulations or whatever darkness you are trying to conquer are all too common. Continue reading


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What “Lies” Beneath

Years and tears later, I’ve come to realize that no matter how much i’ve worked to leave the lies of the past behind; it’s still there. It’s insidious and dark and it becomes an integral part of who you are and how you cope in the future.

 

It follows you as you enter into new relationships, as you raise your children, how you interact with others daily. it seeps into the cracks of your self-concious and Continue reading


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The Exploits And Misadventures Of Onion Boy – 14

The layers of deception run deep; outwardly you would be none the wiser

Random snippets of real life drama with an ex-husband who lived to lie and cheat and cover his tracks and situations where he financially, emotionally and physically abused. As in many things in life, the truth was buried…buried deep within the layers of the infamous cheater who we will call Onion Boy (O.B. for short). We will strip away the layers for all to see the loser is not the victim but the man who believes he can lie so well that he will never be caught…

During my daughter’s first years, Onion Boy (her father) was seldom seen at family occasions…let alone other days of the week. Despite having taken up residence a mere 10-15 minutes away. The door at his parent’s place where I lived with my daughter was always open to him Continue reading