Consistent Uncertainties

Never underestimate your power to heal with a kind smile or hurt with a simple word.


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The Puppeteer And His Posse

Abuse is kind of like a puppet held in place by a string. Your puppeteer has a firm hand, a voice that projects itself into your mind and then there’s the game-playing that can literally make you dance to  their song. If the puppeteer is really good, you don’t even notice the strings. It’s all an act. One that you’re caught up in. The strings keep you tied to the hope of what was once what you believed your reality was. The sad reality is that broken strings would be in a sense, a reprieve, but you can’t move your hands to untie the knots. You’re caught up in a vicious circle of mental flip-flopping. Where will I go? What will I do? How will I manage?

There’s a kind of “black and white” value that is present when there’s physical, financial and sexual abuse.  There’s a trail. Whether it’s a paper trail or a physical sign; they leave their indelible mark. It’s a much clearer picture. It’s much harder to define, evaluate and get validation for the abuses caused by manipulation, lies, and deceit. In small doses, you’d probably have a difficult time identifying these factors as abuse or chalking them up to life’s ups and downs with a spouse. It would be just a transition in most cases. Brought on by difficult times or stressors.

When the isolated experiences are cemented in place by years; they develop into a pattern.  A repeat offender, so to speak. Continue reading


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Stewed Onions

Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. – Carl Sandburg

Onions. They seem pretty harmless. Lots can be said about these little guys. I love symbolism and imagery, in case that one happened to slip by you. The life I shared with a sociopath reminded me so much of the characteristics of an onion that I named several posts with that in mind. If you haven’t taken the time to read “The Exploits and Misadventures of Onion Boy” series on this blog, then feel free to do so. It’s hard to follow and out of sequence. But admittedly the jumbled mess that was my life has left me scrambling to seek answers. I guess in part that’s the reason for the chaos in the numbering of the sequences. Some day, I’ll re-write them and put them in order, but for now hopefully it’ll be ok.

But back to the onions and how they relate to life. It’s ironic Continue reading


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Relinquishing Control

My posts and the comments of the last few days have got me thinking again as they often do.

Apologies to you all. Fasten your seat belts and put your helmets on, you’re about to be audience to my ramblings once again.

I went back into the days and times, which I don’t like to do, but I feel I must for the sake of this blog and for information’s sake. Always having been a thinker, it’s not surprising I guess. Oh, I just don’t think though, I ponder and then when you think that a matter couldn’t be pondered anymore, then I turn it over again and look at it from another vantage point. I’m a little bit nutty that way. So suffice it to say, that when a decision needs to be made or a thought needs to be voiced Continue reading


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What “Lies” Beneath

Years and tears later, I’ve come to realize that no matter how much i’ve worked to leave the lies of the past behind; it’s still there. It’s insidious and dark and it becomes an integral part of who you are and how you cope in the future.

 

It follows you as you enter into new relationships, as you raise your children, how you interact with others daily. it seeps into the cracks of your self-concious and Continue reading


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Embracing Choice

Hello friends, it’s been quite some time since i wrote something a little more personal. Sometimes, it’s easier to write about others and their troubles and remove yourself from the spotlight to regroup. Maybe you won’t want to read, maybe you will. Maybe it’ll mean something to you or maybe it’ll just be the ramblings of some stranger. I happened across this saying on a facebook friend’s status and found myself (internally) pumping fist in the air and shrieking at the top of my lungs (again internally) the words “DAMN STRAIGHT!!” in reaction to the “I Choose” spiel that i had just read. But then, i began to think to myself that there was some sort of cosmic pull or some time shift (sorry, admitted trekkie fan over here) holding me back. Realizing that it was my inner self ruining my “AHA” moment, i felt myself getting superbly pissed of at my overzealous psyche horning in on all those warm and fuzzy feelings. But then, like a punch in the gut, Continue reading


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The Exploits and Misadventures of Onion Boy – 13

The layers of deception run deep; outwardly you would be none the wiser

Random snippets of real life drama with an ex-husband who lived to lie and cheat and cover his tracks and situations where he financially, emotionally and physically abused. As in many things in life, the truth was buried…buried deep within the layers of the infamous cheater who we will call Onion Boy (O.B. for short). We will strip away the layers for all to see the loser is not the victim but the man who believes he can lie so well that he will never be caught…

During the Onion Boy days; the time spent as a family was few Continue reading


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The Exploits and Misadventures of Onion Boy – 12


The layers of deception run deep; outwardly you would be none the wiser

Random snippets of real life drama with an ex-husband who lived to lie and cheat and cover his tracks and situations where he financially, emotionally and physically abused. As in many things in life, the truth was buried…buried deep within the layers of the infamous cheater who we will call Onion Boy (O.B. for short). We will strip away the layers for all to see the loser is not the victim but the man who believes he can lie so well that he will never be caught…

My days spent with my daughter were and have continued to be the most amazing times that I have been privilegedto have with the exception of the last seven years in which I have had the joy of sharing those times with an amazing guy who takes the dramas from O.B. in stride. Thankfully.  We are blessed, at long last, with some sanity in our lives. But, there was a road to be travelled long before this serenity kicked in.

In those days of baby formula and diapers, the dramas were at an all time high. Continue reading